How are our Attachment Relationships being Exploited?

This AI-assisted article looks at how attachment relationships can be exploited. As a mental health nurse I work extremely hard to construct and maintain therapeutic relationships in fragmented and disorganised communities. These relationships can legitimately be said to exploit important elements of people's need for attachment. This can be triggering even at the best of times. But in the wrong hands, this science can become extremely toxic, even terrorising, the very anti-thesis of the safeguarding environment that we are trying to create. 

In essence, by tapping into some of the most powerful systems we have for safety, trust, and emotional regulation, our attachment relationships effectively bypass our normal defence mechanisms. So when our attachment needs are activated, however unique we are, they lower scepticism and increase dependence, making us more vulnerable to exploitation. 

Without the informed consent of both paties, without clear interpersonal boundaries, and without any transparency regarding motives, these relationships may violate the principle of doing no harm. For your own protection it is important that you know how this happens, so that you can spot any red flags in your attachment relationships, before they become pathological cycles:

1. Asymmetry of Power or Need

If one person needs the relationship more (emotionally, materially, socially), the other gains leverage. This shows up in abusive relationships, coercive caregiving, exploitative employment, or cult dynamics. The attachment figure becomes a gatekeeper to safety or belonging.

2. Intermittent Care and Unpredictability

Inconsistent warmth—alternating affection with withdrawal or punishment—strengthens attachment rather than weakening it. This “variable reinforcement” mirrors addiction mechanisms and can trap people in relationships that are harmful but emotionally gripping.

3. Moral Emotions as Control Tools

Guilt, shame, loyalty, gratitude, and obligation are powerful in attachment contexts. They can be weaponised (“after all I’ve done for you”, “good children/partners don’t…”), making resistance feel like moral failure rather than self-protection.

4. Identity Shaping and Reality Control

Attachment figures help define who we are and what is “normal.” Exploitation occurs when someone subtly reshapes another’s self-concept, values, or memory of events (gaslighting), so the person comes to doubt their own perceptions and relies more heavily on the attachment figure for truth.

5. Threats of Abandonment or Exclusion

Because attachment loss is experienced as existentially threatening—especially for those with early trauma—explicit or implicit threats of withdrawal (“I’ll leave”, “you’ll be alone”) are highly coercive, even without physical force.

6. Substitution for Secure Systems

Institutions, leaders, or movements can exploit attachment by presenting themselves as family, protector, or saviour—especially where social support is weak. This is common in gangs, extremist groups, and some therapeutic or spiritual settings.

7. Developmental Carry-Over

Early attachment patterns shape expectations. People with anxious or disorganised attachment may normalise exploitation, misread control as care, or feel undeserving of consistency—making them easier to exploit without overt manipulation.

Big Picture:

Attachment is meant to reduce cognitive load and threat vigilance. Exploitation happens when someone uses the reassurance that comes with these features of comfort and familiarity to extract compliance, labour, loyalty, or identity—often while maintaining the appearance of care. Charasmatic leadership traits, for instance, will often combine the paternal promise of protection with pathological demands for self-sacrifice. This will create conflicts of interest in their staff that they can leverage, by priviledging personal relationships over and above any legally-binding organisational policies and procedures. This is actually a very subtle and insipid form of corruption that I believe may be seeping into a lot of healthcare settings through the current wave of populist identity politics.